Late Night Snark: A Supremely Wild Week
“Y’know, it’s been a rough few years these last two weeks, but today we actually got some good news. The Supreme Court ruled against Trump’s attempt to end DACA, a win for undocumented ‘dreamers’ brought to the U.S. as children. Trump [tweeted]: Do you get the impression the Supreme Court doesn’t like me? Yes, I do. They wear black robes, and some of your fans have been known to wear the white ones.”
“Trump signed two executive orders that are supposed to cut down on police violence. But he spent the whole time praising the police. The only paper Trump has signed with less enthusiasm were his first two marriage certificates.”
You Have Ventured Below The Fold. You Fool. You Sorry, Sorry Fool.
“The Supreme Court ruled that federal civil rights law forbids discrimination against gay and transgender Americans. It’s especially great because the one thing Trump could say he had delivered to his extremist base was the Supreme Court, and now even the Supreme Court is bucking him. So this was a thrilling and momentous ruling, and comes just days after the administration announced it was rolling back Obama-era civil rights protections for transgender Americans in health care. Because anytime Trump has an opportunity to be an asshole, he takes it.”
“Hope you have a ball on your birthday. You already have both of mine. Woof Woof!”
—Mike Pence birthday card to President Trump, who turned 74 Sunday, via Jimmy Kimmel Live
“The Supreme Court ruled against Trump’s attempt to end DACA, so Ben & Jerry’s is introducing a new flavor: Cookies & Dreamers’ Im-mint-grant DACAlate Chip, brought Here By No Choice Of Their Cone.”
“The coronavirus is on the rise in almost twenty states and experts are worried about a second wave. In spite of that, President Trump went on Twitter to brag: ‘Without testing, we would be showing almost no cases.’ And if we got rid of breathalyzers we could end drunk driving.”
”Technically, he’s right. If you don’t test anybody then you don’t have any cases. Just like if black people stopped recording the cops, we’d have zero cases of police brutality.”
“Remember when Trump was pushing hydroxychloroquine as the coronavirus miracle drug? The FDA officially this week withdrew their support for it and now the government is stuck with 66 million useless doses. So I guess we know what the Trumps will be giving trick-or-treaters for Halloween for the next 30 years.”
And now, our feature presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, June 19, 2020
Note: Breaking at this hour—Police warn of new underground activist group comprised of militant opponents of mildly-disappointed Americans, prompting Justice Department to launch investigation into Antifeh. Film at 11.
By the Numbers:
Days ’til the general election: 137
Amount of the haul brought in by Joe Biden and the DNC in May, their best month for the 2020 election cycle: $81 million
Percent of registered voters polled by Quinnipiac who believe journalists are being protected enough in the U.S.: 42%
Percent in the same poll who believe Confederate monuments should and should not, respectively, be taken down: 52%, 44%
Doses of hydroxychloroquine panic-purchased by the federal government now sitting around gathering dust: 66 million
Miles per charge the Tesla Model S can get: 400
Depth of the Lincoln Memorial’s foundation: 66 feet
Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
CHEERS to finally being able to exhale. The Supreme Court ended the week with a progressive bang. After ruling in favor of job protections for LGBT Americans, against the gun nuts (ten times!), and in favor of sanctuary cities, yesterday they dropped a huge, succulent cherry on top: a 5-4 decision in favor of President Obama’s DACA policy, allowing 800,000 immigrants—27,000 now working in the health care industry—whose parents brought them to the U.S. as children to stay here and pursue citizenship. It’s a huge relief for the Dreamers, a blessing for the melting pot that is America, and…..wait for it…..wait for it…..hee hee hee…
…a big legal defeat for President Donald Trump on the issue of immigration, which has been a major focus of his domestic agenda.
800,000 Dreamers are very happy tonight.
The decision authored mostly by Chief Justice John Roberts said the government failed to give an adequate justification for ending the federal program. Roberts was joined in the majority by liberal Justices Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Stephen Breyer, Elena Kagan and Sonia Sotomayor.
The court said the Department of Homeland Security did not act properly when it ordered the program ended in 2017.
What? The Trump administration f*cked up? Say it ain’t so! This is the first time that’s ever happened in, like, at least five minutes. Golly, I hope they’re more careful next time. Anyway, apparently Trump can try and fix whatever they screwed up. But he probably won’t. The road ahead is steep, so I don’t think he’d be so…wait for it…wait for it…hee hee hee…inclined.
CHEERS to leveling the playing field. 56 years ago today, the Civil Rights Act of 1964—now extended to protect LGBTQ citizens—was approved by the Senate 73-27 after making it through a 57-day Dixiecrat filibuster:
“One hundred and eighty-eight years ago this week a small band of valiant men began a long struggle for freedom,” [President Lyndon] Johnson told the nation.
Two weeks later, LBJ signed the Civil Rights Act into law.
“Now our generation of Americans has been called on to continue the unending search for justice within our own borders.” The analogy was unmistakable. The president was comparing the work of the Founding Fathers with that of the civil rights movement.
Martin Luther King, who was present at the White House signing ceremony, also had no doubts about the significance of the day or about Lyndon Johnson’s role in making the civil rights bill law. “It was a great moment,” King declared, “something like the signing of the Emancipation Proclamation by Abraham Lincoln.”
When Johnson signed it he reportedly said, “It is an important gain, but I think we just delivered the South to the Republican Party for a long time to come.” A regular Nostradamus in a Stetson, that guy.
CHEERS to great moments in freedom. And speaking of civil rights, on June 19, 1862—aka ”Juneteenth”—slavery was outlawed in the existing and future federal territories. (See a handwritten order freshly discovered at the National Archives here.) For such a groundbreaking event, the language was pretty straightforward:
“Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled, That from and after the passage of this act there shall be neither slavery nor involuntary servitude in any of the Territories of the United States now existing, or which may at any time hereafter be formed or acquired by the United States, otherwise than in punishment of crimes whereof the party shall have been duly convicted.”
The good news: that was a long time ago. The bad news: not long enough.
“I’m so excited, I can’t WAIT to meet everybody in Tulsa!”
JEERS to Mystery Science Theater: Tulsa Edition. Any guesses on what’ll happen when, against the advice of very smart infectious-disease officials, several thousand Okie Trump cultists gather under a hermetically-sealed dome to hear their sweaty, makeup-splotched MeMeMeFuhrer spout his usual propaganda (and hopefully give an update on the progress of America’s low-flow toilet flushing crisis) while they all swap each other’s malodorous pork-rind exhalations? Who knows? After postponing his first rally in months by a day because of Juneteenth, tomorrow the president will slur and bellow his way through a two-hour ramble from an impenetrable bubble in the hopes of propping up his disastrous reelection prospects. The only question is what will take hold faster among the fools: the lies or the coronavirus. In the immortal words of Oklahoma’s favorite son Will Rogers:
“I guess our country holds the record for dumbness. The Pope spoke to the world this morning in three languages and we didn’t understand a one of ’em. But the minute he finished and the local stations got back to selling corn salve and pyorrhea toothpaste we were right up our intellectual alley again.”
Have fun tomorrow, y’all. And don’t forget to take your bleach injections. It’s like a cleaning!
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
Ã¢Â�Â� Engineering (@engineeringvids) June 17, 2020
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CHEERS to the man of the house. Sunday is Father’s Day. And once he finishes mowing the lawn, cleaning the gutters, fixing the sink, washing the car and grilling the steaks he can open his card, but only after he finishes wiping it down with hand sanitizer, washes his hands five times, and stands six feet away from the rest of the family. Is it me, or is this holiday getting complicated?
CHEERS to seals that can’t balance a beach ball on their nose. On tomorrow’s date in 1782, the Great Seal of the United States was finally adopted by Congress. They sure took their sweet time getting there:
On July 4, 1776, the same day that independence from Great Britain was declared by the thirteen states, the Continental Congress named the first committee to design a Great Seal, or national emblem, for the country.
The eye, I presume, symbolizes Trump spying on his guest rooms at Mar-A-Lago.
Similar to other nations, The United States needed an official symbol of sovereignty to formalize and seal (or sign) international treaties and transactions. It took six years, three committees, and the contributions of fourteen men before the Congress finally accepted a design (which included elements proposed by each of the three committees) in 1782.
Taking inventory: it has 13 stars, 13 stripes, 13 arrows in the eagle’s talon,13 letters in the mottos “e pluribus unum” and “annuit coeptis,” 52 total letters on it (which is divisible by 13), 13 olive leaves, 13 olives on the branch, 13 levels in the pyramid, and 13 sides showing on the ribbon. But designer Charles Thomson stopped short of including a black cat walking under a ladder. That would’ve been considered unlucky.
CHEERS to home vegetation. A quick roundup of stuff that might show up on the tube this weekend, starting with Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow doing their Friday night doings they do on MSNBC. At 8 on ABC you can catch Juneteenth: A Celebration of Overcoming, and later on HBO’s Real Time, Bill Maher talks with Ambassador Susan Rice, Andrew Sullivan, George Will, and Malcolm Nance.
Tomorrow afternoon the Belmont Horsey Race (NBC) is going off live as planned—details here. And the PGA’s RBC Heritage tourney continues on CBS minus spectators. (Oh no, my viewing experience will be ruined without drunken loudmouths in the gallery yelling “Get in da hole!!!” What will I do?) You can start to see the effect of the pandemic on Hollywood with this week’s slim pickins among new home video releases. On 60 Minutes: Minneapolis police chief Medaria Arradondo challenges the police union to decide whether to be on the right or wrong side of history, and a former Big Pharma executive says Rule #1 in the industry is “check your conscience at the door.” Then later Sunday night (9pm), ABC News airs the interview between Martha Raddatz and warhawk freak with multiple loose screws John Bolton (“with no question off limits,” oh my). At the same time on CBS there’s a tribute to essential workers during the pandemic called United We Sing. Also at 9 on HBO: the premiere of the—this is true—Perry Mason reboot with Matthew Rhys as the famed defense lawyer. And Sunday night at 11 John Oliver tucks us into bed with another new edition of HBO’s Last Week Tonight.
Now here’s your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: House Intelligence Committee chair Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA) on the revelations in John Bolton’s book; acting Homeland Security head Chad Wolf; epidemiologist Dr. Michael Osterholm.
Or you could just sleep in.
CNN’s State of the Union: Atlanta Mayor Keisha Lance Bottoms (D); House Judiciary Chairman Rep. Jerry Nadler (D-NY); former Secretary of Defense Bob Gates (R) hawks his new book; White House trade stooge Peter Navarro.
This Week: TBA
Face the Nation: TBA
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Biden senior campaign adviser Symone Sanders and Trump senior campaign adviser Mercedes Schlapp; Tom Inglesby of the Johns Hopkins Center for Health Security.
Ten years ago in C&J: June 19, 2010
JEERS to gushers without end. Today is Day Onedaytoomany of the Oilpocalypse, and with the breaking dawn comes breaking news that—surprise!!!—the estimate may be revised upwards yet again:
A BP estimate made after the explosion of the Deepwater Horizon noted that as much as 100,000 barrels per day could leak into the ocean if the blowout preventer and wellhead were removed, a higher worst-case scenario than previously reported. According to an internal BP document released Sunday by Rep. Edward Markey, D-Massachusetts, BP believed that the worst-case scenario could be as high as 100,000 barrels, or 4.2 million gallons of oil per day.
And there’s also another big problem in the gulf. Scientists are pointing an accusing finger at BP because the hole is releasing massive amounts of methane. Said a representative for the world’s cows: “Welcome to our world.”
And just one more…
CHEERS to the thawing season. Summer arrives tomorrow afternoon at 5:44 ET. Thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Bonus puppy pic. My treat.
Two months (here, anyway—unlike our summer, yours may include September) of peace, tranquility, and boring news cycles. Right? If only. But for Maine it does bring 60 glorious days of heat after months of shutting ourselves inside, closing all the windows and cranking the furnace up to 11. First item on our agenda tomorrow as summer gets its solstice on: shutting ourselves inside, closing all the windows, and cranking the AC up to 11.
Have a great weekend. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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